


Endless

by FaeriexQueen



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Drabble, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Tragedy, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:41:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26593864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaeriexQueen/pseuds/FaeriexQueen
Summary: He couldn’t let go of Alma.
Relationships: Kanda Yuu/Alma Karma
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Endless

He couldn’t let go of Alma.  
  
It didn’t matter how much time had passed. Seconds, minutes – even hours seemed as though they were mere grands of sand, trickling steadily through an hourglass. Kanda had no sense of time or how to measure it, nevertheless in Mater. The city was forsaken and godless, a place where time stood still as the walls remained cracked and colorless. Sand and debris blanketed the uneven stone ground, the pillar Kanda leaned upon cold to the touch.  
  
In his arms, what was left of Alma remained limp and lifeless.  
  
Kanda sucked in a shallow breath. His grip on Alma remained tight, protective despite their isolation. Not a breath of life surrounded them; the air was still and stagnant, even the spiders keeping at bay. There was nothing in the chamber except decay. Death.  
  
Loss.  
  
Kanda didn’t move, staring forward. His gaze was blank, the impressions of ghostly lotuses dancing across the ground. They floated over the illusion of a watery surface, the ripples having stilled ages ago.  
  
That person was gone.  
  
The realization slammed into Kanda, his heart shattering like discarded porcelain. Every defense and every wall he had ever built came crashing down like crumbling stone, chest leaden with grief. Suddenly, Alma felt more breakable than ever, his colorless torso cracked like faded marble. Delicate. _Fragile._  
  
They were gone. _Alma_ was gone.  
  
With a gossamer-light touch, Kanda brought Alma’s head close. He ran his thumb over Alma’s cheek, the skin without a trace of warmth. His face felt so smooth beneath Kanda’s fingertips; a deep yearning spilled into his gut to caress Alma’s face and to stare into his eyes. To look at them one last time.  
  
_“I..I can never forgive them…I hate them_ so much _…”_  
  
Kanda’s grip trembled as he refused to let Alma go. His eyes stung, vision hot as he continued to stare at the lotuses.  
  
All of those years. All of those years, Kanda had searched. All of those years, Kanda had wanted to find them – to find _that_ person. He had never known if it would have been possible, or if they would have even been alive. He had never known if he would have found anything more than a grave – a mark left by a ghost never to be remembered by anyone else. Countless days. Countless nights. Countless moments of wondering. Dreaming.  
  
Regretting.  
  
An invisible knife twisted into his chest. He had regretted destroying Alma nine years ago. He had regretted it the moment he struck him with Mugen, hacking him into so many pieces he couldn’t regenerate. His body dismembered and disfigured – Kanda had been so desperate to find that person…  
  
He had destroyed them without realizing it.  
  
Had he not been so devastated, he would have laughed. What cruel, vicious irony it was – to have endlessly sought out that person only to have had them from the start, hidden in plain view and bloodied by his own two hands. All of those years of thinking he had killed Alma, only to find him when it was too late.  
  
Kanda exhaled. Finally looking away from the lotuses, he pressed his face into Alma’s hair. He inhaled, trying to memorize every detail he could: the texture of Alma’s hair, the scent of his skin. He didn’t want to lose Alma.  
  
He didn’t want to let him go.  
  
Despite his face being pressed into Alma’s hair, Kanda felt the tears well in his eyes. Hot, scalding – his breathing turned uneven as he gripped Alma, holding him close as though he were the most valuable treasure on the earth. _‘I’m sorry…’_  
  
_“I love you. Forever.”_  
  
Kanda didn’t move until Alma’s remains crumbled to dust.

**Author's Note:**

> Thinking of loss lately, and someone I no longer have around. Drabbles and writing are good for processing things like that, but it’s weird to think this is probably one of the most personal things I’ve ever written.
> 
> I think of Kanda a lot and what he must have felt when losing Alma in Mater. It definitely hurts to think about.


End file.
